Twas the Night Before Chris-mas (Poem)

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Twas the Night Before Chris-mas
Voice Narration: Fin Carew
Art by Andy Cambell
Written & Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Producer: Emma Fyffe
Associate Producer: Ryan O’Toole
Edited by: Randy Whitlock
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne

Twas the night before shooting, and all through the set
Not a teamster was working or breaking a sweat

The director arrived, and his blood was boilin’
Not any director, but Christopher Nolan

“Where are my actors to film my movie?
Where’s Leo? Where’s Christian? Where is Tom Hardy?”

“But don’t you know, sir?” A P.A. replied
“It’s Christmas eve, sir, in bed they still lie”

“Christmas is cancelled! Now bring me my screenplay!”
“Bring me my actors! My D.P.! My latte!”

The screenplay arrived it was 300 pages
Every word genius, ’twas one for the ages

The actors arrived with a mumble and grumble
Their makeup was smeared and half-drunk did they stumble

“Are you OK mate?“ asked Hardy with grace
“You know the rules Tom, now cover your face!”

“Erm oo mph kay ate?” Big Tom asked again
“I’ve been inspired…” said Chris to his friend

“Picture a man who’s emotionally dead
Who’s trapped in a puzzle, that’s all in his head”

“Sounds like Memento or maybe Inception”
“This one is different! Don’t doubt my direction!”

He turned on his cameras, all custom for IMAX
“Look at that detail” he said as he climaxed

“Now act like I told you your mother just died”
“That shouldn’t be hard” Bale gruffly replied

They knocked out the scene in a take or nineteen
‘Til Tommy did wonder if this was a dream

“Of course it is Tom!” the auteur said, pissed
“You know by now that there’s always a twist!”

“It’s Christmas Eve Tom you’re asleep in your bed”
“With nightmares of Nolan dancing through your head”

Big Tommy woke up and regained his perceptions
Then Nolan popped out “You’re still dreaming! Inception!”

Tom finally woke up and the gimmick was done
Tom’s secret twin told him that twist sounded dumb

“At least I’m not trapped in a cosmic bookshelf
And the power of love let’s me talk to myself”

(McConaughey busts through the wall) MURRRRPH! MURRRRRPH! MURRRRRPH!

So to all of his fans who think only they get it
And by “get it” I mean getting covid at Tenet

Merry Chris-mas to all of you fanboys I baited
Nolan is good but he’s still overrated